By Gary Waleski
Through conversing with people, I am surprised to learn that nobody seems to remember being a baby. I, however, remember my days as a baby very well. I remember sleeping in a crib, sitting in a highchair, eating from a Gerber jar, drinking from a baby bottle, and many other things that go along with being a baby. I was born in the late sixties, and I remember clearly what was “in” at that time. I remember seeing cars that are now known as classics, and the clothes that people wore in that time. Mostly, I remember constantly hearing the music of those days. The first song that I ever recognized was “Hey Jude” by The Beatles, being only a year old when that song was on the charts.
As a child, I carried on with many repetitive actions. One thing I used to do was move a toy car back and forth on the table for a long period of time, and I vaguely remember watching the spinning motion of its wheels. My repetitions became rituals, and they always had to be followed through; otherwise, I became very upset.
A major problem with me as a child was my temper tantrums. I easily became upset when things did not work out the way I anticipated. I was irritated by situations that included my rituals being broken, transitions, being disciplined, being ridiculed and disapproved of, being left out, and a time or activity of pleasure being ended. Such situations caused me to resort to screaming, crying, swearing, and stomping. Sometimes I experienced undesirable consequences. Teachers sometimes reprimanded me for being noisy, and neighbours sometimes complained to my parents about my screaming out profanities. I threw those fits simply to express my feelings and displeasure, hoping that people would cooperate with me, but it never worked.
Hypersensitivity created unusual fears for me as a child. I was often traumatized by unexpected or excessive noise. I was often afraid of audio equipment - even though I always loved music! I was frightened by static, or the noise resulting from the needle not landing properly on a record. Power tools and equipment in use often terrified me. The sound of an air-raid siren, or even a train whistle, spooked me. I was even frightened of toilets! I made a point of staying away from washrooms as long as I had no need for them. In fact; I found many objects looked frightening to me, in one way or another - for practically unknown reasons! Sleeping was a problem for me throughout my childhood, since I had nightmares very often. Being spooked was one of my major stresses during my early years.
I was extremely hypersensitive to taste, and extremely picky with food. There were only a few certain foods that I loved as a child. My taste buds were so sensitive that many foods tasted bad to me. If it didn’t taste right, I was totally unable to ingest it. My parents were very strict about making certain that all our dinner was finished, so suppertime was often a bad time for me.
I was also hypersensitive to touch, and therefore, very sensitive to pain. When I was really little, I used to get so uncomfortable and resist whenever my mother washed my face. Going to see my family doctor was a major ordeal to my parents and I. Some of my doctor’s methods of checking me were very uncomfortable. Whenever we went to see him; as soon as we got to the parking lot, I recognized the building, and that was it. My parents had a tough time getting me out of the car, into the building, to the waiting room, and worst of all, into the examining room. I was violently kicking and screaming all the way! It must have been an entertaining show for all the other patients to watch! In my early years, visiting the doctor was the worst times in my life.
I have made some accomplishments and displayed talent as a child. In Grade 3, at the age of eight, I created a pastel mural of “The Cat in the Hat,” which impressed the teacher and all of my classmates. This art piece was taped on the window of our classroom door for the entire school to see. My drawing skills became the one thing that my peers complimented me about. In Grade 8, our class was in detention, and in order to be excused, one student had to memorize an entire poem. After many students failed, I made an attempt and got it correct, dismissing the class from detention. There were numerous other achievements, such as perfect test scores and high efforts in games, that were impressive to others.
Through my life, I was fascinated by things that were superficial to other people, especially as a child. I used to be mesmerized by windshield wipers in motion, and I used to always stare at running fans. The basement of our home was my entertainment centre as a child. I would watch our sump pump whenever it was running, and I would inspect our furnace whenever it was active. I would observe and memorize the actions of our washer and dryer as they went through their cycles.
A major hobby of mine as a child was making inspections to fulfill my interests. Whenever we visited friends, I would go through their basement looking for such items of interest. I used to go around the neighbourhood inspecting chimneys, clothes dryer exhaust vents, and sewers. I used to go through all of the ditches, watching water pour out of sump pump drain pipes and flow through culverts. I often called on neighbours, asking to see their basement utilities and laundry appliances. Some people knew me well and gladly complied; while some were unpleasant, telling me to get lost and slamming their doors in my face. I must have been quite the pest.
I drove many people crazy, talking only about my interests. I often socialized with my neighbours, mostly talking and questioning about items that included appliances and basement utilities. Other children did not want to socialize with me, since they were unimpressed about how I was turned on by these interests.
I was an extreme introvert throughout my life, especially as a child. As a toddler, I was objective to excessive interaction from people outside of my family. I was extremely shy, and became uncomfortable whenever people acknowledged me. Most adults have the tendency of mimicking babbles of young children. However, I used to hate it when people mimicked me. I always found it to be annoying, and if only I knew how, I would have said, “I don’t need a parrot!”
Throughout elementary school, I had no desire to socialize with other children, and I spent recess time occupying myself in solitude. I had childhood friends in my neighbourhood, but I never wanted to socialize with them. Whenever people called on me, I would either turn them down or hide someplace. I was intimidated by the responsibility of entertaining other people, and I needed my time and space to myself. Whenever other children became persistent on spending much time with me, I became repelled by them. In lieu of playing with other children, I preferred to watch TV or live in a make-believe world at home.
I was an avid daydreamer ever since I was a child. I used to design, for myself, a highly complex fantasy world. I pretended that my house was an individual town, and I populated this town with make-believe people and characters from TV sitcoms and cartoons. These people were my real friends, as opposed to the people from the real world. I liked them because they were exactly what I wanted them to be. I pretended that I was an adult, married with children, and that my actual bedroom was my own house. My fantasy world was a perfect world, everything being the way I wanted it to be, providing me an escape from the hardships of reality.
My fantasies continued and evolved as I became a teenager, but the purpose remained the same. I lived the customized life that I wanted to live, escaping from the real world. I fantasized about the things that I always wanted; which included being popular, owning a car, and having a girlfriend. I always fantasized about the future, thinking about the optimistic hope of my life changing for the better. I fantasized about moving to a new town and starting a new life. I fantasized about being highly successful and making an immense amount of money. I dreamed of owning a beautiful home and raising a perfect family. Fantasizing was like an addictive drug; it was a wonderful high and it allowed me to forget about the stressful times.
Since I entered adulthood I outgrew my fantasy world, and with my increasingly busy and active lifestyle, I don’t have much time to fantasize. However; during idle times I tend to drift off into thought, which is what happens with everybody. I sometimes enjoy reminiscing about the good times in my past. I often think about the things that I hope to acquire in the near and distant future. I think about landing a successful career that I would enjoy. I think about where I would like to live, and how my life would evolve. It’s the optimistic thoughts that keep me going.
I was misunderstood to be a lazy child, since I was unable to understand and exercise motivation and sense of responsibility. Nearly all of my time was spent fantasizing and watching TV, and everything else was of little priority to me. I failed to keep in mind about hygiene, and my parents often had to get after me to keep myself groomed. My parents also had a rough time getting me to cooperate with domestic chores. Whenever they asked me to do anything, I would complain and argue, often causing a confrontation. That’s an example of unwanted transitions; I had a hard time accepting being interrupted in order to participate in a task. I could not handle studying for school, due to confusion and intermittent attention span, and that created a negative impact on my grades.
School was a major problem for me during my growing years. I faced severe difficulties with my studies, and ultimately had an extreme dislike towards school. I was intimidated by the workloads, the peer pressure, and the treatment from the teachers. I felt that I was imprisoned, and preferred to be at home fantasizing and watching TV. I was unable to pay attention in class, and often couldn’t bring myself up to doing homework. The teachers added to the problem, chasing me on a regular basis. They would yell at me, strike me, and deliberately humiliate me before my peers. I certainly hope that our school system has evolved since those medieval times. As a result of my challenges, my grades suffered. I failed Grade 4 and several high school courses, and usually averaged slightly above passing. Report card day was seldom a good one for me.
One of my biggest problems in school was peer pressure. Children can be the cruelest people in the world, being able to find everything different about someone and capitalizing on it. I was a prime target because of the many situations about myself. Since I was unable to gain social skills, my peers noticed that I was behind. Since my mannerisms were quirky, my peers always mimicked me. Since I struggled in school, my peers considered me to be stupid. Since I had eccentric interests, my peers considered me to be weird. And since my sense of personal hygiene was inconsistent, my peers considered me to be a slob.
My reputation in school made me totally unattractive to girls. No girl would ever consider dating me; and in addition, many girls ridiculed me. I have been attracted to many different girls, but I only ended up heartbroken. In my early adult years, I developed the courage to ask out girls, but I was always unsuccessful in landing a date. I tried joining extracurricular activities in hope to meet girls, but there were never any in my age group. It took me until mid-adulthood to finally find a significant other.
I have received counselling many different times throughout my life. When I was six, my parents sent me to see a child psychiatrist. The autism spectrum was not well known in the seventies, and this doctor came to the conclusion that I was highly intelligent, but lacking in motivation. I was diagnosed as sanguine. He recommended introduction to responsibilities (e.g. tidying my bedroom, setting/clearing the dinner table, etc.) and strict discipline. He designed a demerit-oriented system to motivate me to keep on top of my responsibilities and maintain good behaviour. I would acquire demerit points for misbehaving and neglecting responsibilities. If I exceeded a couple demerits in a week, I would be penalized by forfeiting certain privileges. However; there was a reward for good consistency -- I would not be punished. I was seeing this doctor for many years, and as time went on, he became impatient with me. I was not progressing in maturity, still living in a fantasy world, and struggling in my studies. If things were not to improve immediately, he advised my parents to send me to military school. As a result, I was living my childhood in fear and intimidation.
When I was a teenager, I was severely stressed over my problems at home and in school. My family doctor sent me to see a guidance counsellor. It was not a major affect on my life, but he was a person for me to talk to. He tried to boost my self esteem, and gave me advice on social skills and directions to minimize stress.
Occasionally through my life, I entered times of severe depression for no apparent reason. In the early nineties, I began experiencing extreme cases of depression, and was unable to pinpoint the source. This continued to occur regularly for over two years. The worst thing that I found about depression was the mystery of it - not being able to understand why it was happening. Over that period of time; I was regularly seeing a psychiatrist, who prescribed me antidepressants. Once I was diagnosed with AS, it was agreed that my depression may possibly be related to it. The mystery was now gone and I began to see things in better perspective, and after a few years, I no longer had a need for psychiatric care.
Employment was a complicated issue for me as a teenager. I landed my first job one summer when I was 17, in a distribution warehouse. It was a difficult situation for me to adjust to, since I never worked before. I was used to having my summer holidays throughout my life, and was looking forward to the freedom again this year. Suddenly; I was having to wake up early and report to this place everyday through the whole summer, and this was something that I did not like. It was like going to school through the summer, only worse! In addition, I was having a lot of difficulties with this job. I first thought it was like high school, but then I quickly realized it was much tougher. I often came in late, like I did in school, but got severely reprimanded for it. I also was unable to comprehend instructions, and they often became very impatient with me. And I was constantly pressured to keep up the pace, which often fluctuated. It was a very rough way for me to be introduced to the work force.
After I graduated from high school, my parents had a difficult time getting and keeping me employed. I was extremely reluctant to have a job, since it was far beyond my state of comfort. I did not want to go to a strange place everyday to take on undesired tasks. As well; being a sensitive person, I was always terrified of supervisors. I preferred to be at home, where I was comfortable. I never understood the importance of money until I began supporting myself. Since I was being supported by my parents, I did not care whether or not I had any money at all. It was always so hard for me to make the transition from a free lifestyle to a regimented schedule. The only job I really wanted, and could handle at that time, was one that wasn’t too demanding. When my parents made me go out to look for work, I would bike around town stopping at very few places and partially filling out applications. They also looked through the papers finding employers for me to contact, which I did against my own will. All that I wanted throughout my growing years was total freedom and minimal stress. During that time, I have been through temporary successes and failures in employment.
I maintained a casual winter job at the CN Rail for three years. My duties entailed removing snow and de-icing chains on the flat cars that the Ford Plant used for shipping their newly-made vehicles. I did not mind that job, since the workload was not too demanding and the pay was high.
I began my employment at Sheridan College when I was 19. I was a casual summer employee, setting up offices and repairing furniture over the summer break. I worked at that job for two summers, and I quickly became accustomed to it and began to enjoy working there. Nobody was overly demanding with me, and the duties were all straightforward. This became a very familiar place for me, and I got to know and like many of the people there.
After I worked there for two summers, an opening for a permanent position in the Shipping & Receiving Department was posted, and I immediately bid on it and was hired. I was extremely happy since I was now permanently employed in familiar surroundings and there was no longer an uncertain future for me. I worked there for six years and it became a routine lifestyle for me.
I attended college for the first time in the late eighties, at Sheridan College, studying in Major Appliance Servicing. I chose that program because of my interest in laundry appliances. The curriculum was not too complex and I did not experience many difficulties in the program. I successfully completed the program; however, I did not embark on any career relating to my studies. I decided that it was not my preference.
I bought my first car when I was 20. It was a 1978 Plymouth Volare 2-door with a “Slant 6” engine. I found it to be an amazing experience for me to finally be owning my own set of wheels. For the first while I became “car happy,” driving this car all of the time - even when I had no place to go! I was so proud of my car. Sadly, it lost it’s life in an accident two years later.
In the early nineties, my parents retired and moved to Dunnville, a small town in the Niagara area. They made home in an upstairs apartment of a building that they owned in town. As opposed to selling the house in Oakville, they allowed my brothers and I to rent it. Even though I was living in the house that was owned by my parents, and one that I was raised in, I was officially living on my own. I had no problem adjusting to it, and I handled all of the responsibilities with minimal difficulties. This became proof that I could look after myself with no special guidance or supervision. This was the time that I became an adult.
I continued to experience some difficulties through my adulthood. One lifelong problem of mine that persisted was my inability to deal with people assertively. I had often accepted wrongful treatment from other people, as opposed to standing up for myself. Being a sensitive person, I always wanted to avoid a confrontation and remain on good terms with everybody. Unfortunately; many people noticed that in me and took advantage of it, pushing as far as they can get away with. It is sad how some people in this world operate, and personally, it angers me.
A major problem that I had to deal with as I was maturing was my lack of self esteem. In dealing with most young adults my age at the time, it appeared to me that I was far behind in knowledge and life experience. In the years before my diagnosis, I could not figure out what was wrong with me, and I was blaming myself. I struggled to catch up, but I did not know how. It was that, along with the negativity that I have received throughout my life, that has left me down on myself. There were times when I have felt so low that I have become physically sick.
My temper continued to be a problem for me, often going off over trivial issues. Whenever I was inconvenienced in any way, I would either yell out profanities, or hit something, or both. I also had a tenancy to go on a vicious tirade whenever a family member approached me in a manner that I did not like. I often ended up feeling embarrassed over my fits.
My condition was finally discovered when I was in my twenties. One day; my brother was watching Shirley, a TV talk show, and the subject was on autism. He noticed that many of the characteristics matched my own, so he sent for a transcript and obtained a phone number to one of the doctors on the show. My mother contacted the doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist in Hamilton. When I met with this doctor, he confirmed that my characteristics matched those of Asperger Syndrome. Upon knowing this, a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders. It was great to actually know and understand what has been going on with me, and I was no longer blaming myself for my challenges. This became the turning point in my life.
In the mid-nineties, I once again attended Sheridan College, studying in Executive Office Administration. This course had created a major positive impact on my life. It was in that program that I acquired my knowledge in computers and software, and that’s when I bought my first computer. This program has also taught me skills in business communications, letter formatting, and public speaking; all of which come in handy for my current projects.
My motivation and confidence greatly increased through this program, and I was constantly studying whenever I was home. My interest in these studies was so high that I actually enjoyed putting all of this time into it. It is ironic that after years of my family chasing me to study, they were now trying to make me slow down!
The course has also improved my social experience, and I was very popular with all of my classmates. None of them seemed to notice anything odd about me whatsoever. Most of my classmates were girls, so I have learned a lot about interacting with people of the opposite gender, which became helpful for me in dating. It was a major boost on my self esteem to be liked by many girls, and also to be able to handle a university-level program. I look at those days as my second chance to enjoy the “happy school days” that I never had the first time around. I graduated from this program with good standing.
After school; I resumed employment at the college, working part time in Distribution Services. I worked in that department until the spring, when I accepted my present job at the switchboard. The work is straightforward, and it took me almost no time to get it down pat. In the beginning, I found it to be an intimidating experience in dealing with irate callers. And as well; for the first while, my intermittent attention span complicated things a bit. I was often missing important information, and therefore, frequently making mistakes. As a result, others have become impatient with me at times. Over the years, I feel I have improved in those areas, and have developed the confidence to be tactful and make demanding callers realize that I am the one in control. I’ve now been at this job for several years. Today; I feel that, in many respects, I have come a long way. I am living independently and working at a full-time job. I can handle all of my responsibilities, including shopping, projects, and financial issues, with minimal help. I can do anything that any neurotypical adult can do, such as support myself, maintain a job, and drive a car. I am well educated, having two college diplomas. In many ways I am just like anybody else, and my challenges have little effect on that.
I lead an active social life, having a large circle of friends. Some of my oldest friends are people that I have known from high school. Many of my friends are long-time friends of my brothers - and my brothers have many friends. When I was a child, there was a large age gap between them and I, but since I have grown up, the gap has closed and I am now in the circle. Recently; as I have mentioned, I have met many friends from college. I also have some friends who are deaf, and I am presently practicing sign language. My signing skills are somewhat slow, but I can basically communicate. Through recent involvements, I met a number of friends who are also on the autism spectrum. And, I can happily say that I now have a girlfriend.
I still presently experience some difficulties due to my challenges. I am an exceptionally sensitive person. I become easily hurt when involved in a personal confrontation. I also tend to become paranoid and think the worst if times seem a bit challenging. My temper is a major problem for me. I still easily lose it whenever I am inconvenienced in any way. My self esteem also hits it’s lows at times.
I am very hypersensitive to sound, often becoming startled and annoyed by sudden or loud noise. Unfortunately, I cannot escape it, but I do take certain steps to lessen certain noisy situations for me. For example; whenever I shut my car off, I always make a point of turning off the radio so that it does not blast me whenever I start my car again. We have a chiming clock, which at countless times, I have thrown corks at. I can turn the chimes off; but then, I may as well turn off the fridge, the furnace, the dishwasher, my family members’ voices, and everything else in the house that makes any noise. It would be an awkward path to take, but at least, the place would be nice and quiet.
I have difficulty accepting transitions. When my mind is set on something, I prefer if things turn out exactly as I anticipate. I have an electronic planner which I live off, and I schedule my life around it. I plan my days far in advance, so if anybody needs me, they have to make an appointment. It becomes very difficult for me whenever something suddenly comes up, and I find it hard for me to readjust. I prefer to be notified in advance about any change of plans whenever possible.
I still prefer my solitude much of the time. I am sometimes very territorial about my space, and tend to become annoyed whenever it is invaded. When I first get up in the mornings, it takes me a little time before I am comfortable interacting with anybody. I also have my own little TV room, where I can spend my time alone. I spend most of my evenings there, as well as other times when I need my space, which is often. That little room is my sanctuary, which is a necessary part of my life.
My mannerisms can use some fine tuning. When speaking, I tend to use over-exaggerated gestures to accompany my speech. I also have a tenancy to drift off, especially in a large crowd in public. People sometimes have to wave a hand in front of my face to call my attention. I have even been cut off from being served alcohol because I was mistaken for being intoxicated. However, I have no problem when conversing one on one with an individual. Perhaps it is the obligation to respond that motivates me to stay in tune.
My attention span is inconsistent. Sometimes I can only focus on something for a limited time, then my mind wanders. At other times, I tend to be mesmerized by something simple, and not fascinating to others. I can only focus on one single thing at a time, and have difficulties paying attention to or performing multiple things. This causes difficulties for me when keeping track of important things, such as my finances. If my finances were the only thing I had to keep track of, then I would have no troubles with it. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way; I have many things to have to keep track of. After being caught up with my finances, I’ll forget all about it and lose track once again. One of my big weaknesses is keeping track of my money, which is scary. I just need to find a way to balance my attention equally.
I do not mean to instill any pessimism in anyone; I am simply sharing all of my experiences with you - negative and positive.
Over the recent years, I have developed a major interest for a career in helping out people on the autism spectrum. I feel that being on the spectrum myself, and having progressed as much as I have, I would be a great asset in guiding people on the spectrum in a promising direction. I would like to assist in giving children on the spectrum the opportunity to proper help at a younger age. Being on the spectrum myself, I have the advantage in being able to understand and relate to them. As well, I see myself as living proof that if I can be successful, there is a positive future for anybody on the spectrum. I am a member of Autism Society Ontario (ASO), taking on the role as Chair of the Newsletter Committee. I also participate in various other functions of ASO. To name a few; I participate in such functions as garage sales and bike-a-thons, and volunteer as one of the coaches in baseball for autistic children. In addition; I have given many presentations for different organizations, including the Geneva Centre. My involvements have given me much experience and a very rewarding feeling. Fortunately; the autism spectrum is becoming recognized and understood, so today's children on the spectrum have the major advantage in being properly treated and guided. My dream is to assist in giving these children the happy and fulfilling maturing years that I never had. I did not let my challenge defeat me, and I am determined not to let it defeat the others!
In my opinion, autism does not seem to be a complex situation. I believe that it is not much more than just a maze that must be simplified, and I believe that it can be done through skillful counselling. In all neurotypical people, the human brain has an amazingly high capacity for intelligence, and it is extremely thirsty for knowledge. It rapidly absorbs and processes any information fed into it. A neurotypical child grows up constancy absorbing all of the information that he or she is exposed to, steadily gaining experience and wisdom. In people who are developmentally challenged (e.g. Downs Syndrome), the brain has a limited capacity for intelligence, and processes information at a slower rate. People on the autism spectrum; however, each have the same brain as in neurotypical people. However; this condition forms a maze-like pattern of communication between the brain and the senses, causing the brain to absorb only selected pieces of information. With the limited information that it does gather, this powerful brain will process it and clarify it to amazingly precise detail. This may explain why autistic people have incredible memory in certain subjects.
The emotions of a person on the spectrum seem to be magnified, compared to that of a neurotypical person. Strong emotions, such as anger and fear, may be rather traumatic for the individual. As well, the individual tends become mentally withdrawn in order to escape reality. This usually starts at a young age, and the emotional hardships of life bring this on. I believe, however, that this situation can be reduced with treatment, especially at a young age.
I honestly do not know what it is like to be like the majority of the human population who are neurotypical. In turn, all of the neurotypical people truthfully do not know what it is like to be on the spectrum. The feeling may be quite similar, and yet, it may be altogether different. However; I do not look at autism as a disability, but simply a way of being. I also believe that people on the spectrum can be assisted to function more easily in this “norm-oriented” society. They may have to think and practice differently, but I do not think it is impossible to bridge the gap. The techniques may not be totally figured out as yet, but if we have come this far, imagine what we will be able to achieve down the road! The future looks hopeful, and I honestly believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
November 4, 2002 (revised)